Good Old Fashioned Nightmare Fuel

I got a new job!

2010-05-24T23:46:00.002-05:00

Just please don't call me Lloyd.

Texas Frightmare Weekend '10

2010-05-01T19:57:00.006-05:00

Lance Henriksen is the nicest guy I've ever met. I was extremely nervous.

The convention was a blast. We ran out of money within the first hour. Bill Moseley, Lance Herniksen, and Ogre were all incredibly sweet. I managed not to faint or throw up on anyone. Talking to Ogre turned me into a blithering tween with a crush, hence the goofy smile on my face (the boyfriend is now extremely jealous that I got to meet the lead singer of his favorite band. Haha). You never realize just how big Kane Hodder is until he walks by you. Didn't get to meet Romero, but my sister and I stood a few feet away from his table and stared in awe for a while. I can't wait to go again next year.

The Oral (Dis)Pleasures of Sorority Row

2010-04-30T19:29:00.003-05:00

Death Scene Spoilers Ahead

First off, let me say that I enjoyed Sorority Row. As remakes go, it wasn't horrible, but maybe that's because the "prank gone bad" setup is pretty easy to pull off (Note to self: If you ever kill a friend during a wacky college prank, just turn yourself in). The performances were decent, the dialogue was funny, and the holy goddess that is Carrie Fisher wields a shotgun. Not the greatest, but far superior to those awful, awful Michael Bay produced remakes (Fuck you, Platinum Dunes. Fuck you). I love slasher movies and will defend them to the death (I've been called a "bad feminist" for this, which is really funny to me), but the manner in which the sorority sisters were dispatched kinda bugged me. Wine bottle pushed down a throat and smashed? Pretty cool. But when the other girls are killed off in similar fashions, i.e. oral trauma, I had to roll my eyes at the blow-job-of-death imagery. Sex and death go hand in hand in horror movies (and sometimes, life), but c'mon screenwriters, give me something a little more imaginative and less clichéd. Am I just over analyzing? Am I becoming a prudish fuddy duddy, or is that I see sex in everything? Is it because I'm terrified of things happening to my mouth, which is why I haven't seen a dentist in years? I just want to see those killer phallic symbols used in more ways than one, I guess.

What I've Been Watching This Week

2010-04-22T16:05:00.006-05:00

I'm staying at my parent's house this week, which is a little like staying at a rehab facility. Haven't been sleeping for the past month, and Mommie Dearest is sure she can whip me into shape. I'm still not sleeping. Instead, I've been enjoying the neverending crapfest that is my Netflix Instant Queue (although looking back, only one of the movies turned out to be crap. Yay).

The Howling III: the Marsupials
It might just be the insomnia, but I think I love this movie. So so stupid yet so so entertaining. An anthropologist, on orders from the president, travels to Australia to substantiate werewolf sightings (lest the Russians beat us to it). He discovers not only that werewolves exist, but that they've evolved into Marsupial Werewolves. A man loved a Tasmanian wolf, giving us werewolves with pouches, just as a man made sweet love to a duck, giving us platypuses. Still with me? Good. This movie doesn't take itself seriously, which is great because it really is absolutely ridiculous. The marsupial werewolf birthing scene has to be seen to be believed. The movie is very pro-werewolf, and even the Pope gets involved in the end (Amnesty for Werewolves!).

Big Bad Wolf
Think Freddy Krueger as a werewolf. I felt like taking a shower after this movie, not just because Werewolf rape is disgusting, but the titular wolf thinks he's just soooo clever with all those one-liners. Yes, he talks. He wears jeans. He molests young women. And he's just as sleazy in human form. It's gross. If you've ever desired to watch a film in which a woman blows a suspected werewolf to collect DNA evidence, then this is it.

Satan's Little Helper
This movie started out so cute. An 8 year old boy is obsessed with a video game called "Satan's Little Helper". He dons a devil costume on Halloween and mistakes a masked serial killer to be Satan himself, cheerfully aiding and abetting the psycho's killing spree. Things were harmless and adorable up until "Satan" smashes a cat against a wall so he can write "Boo!" on an abandoned house in blood (part of his killing routine is propping up victims in their own yards like decorative Halloween mannequins). Little Dougie revels in the murderous merriment, but when Satan guts his dad, he realizes that they haven't just been playing a game. Worth watching around Halloween.

100 Years of Horror
Dated documentary series narrated by the great Christopher Lee. I could listen to that man talk all day. Mostly trailers from vintage horror and fantasy films (some classics, some not so much), it's fun to watch just for Christopher Lee's humorous commentary.

Taxidermia
Okay, I haven't watched it yet. I'm a chicken shit.

They Had It Coming...

2010-04-18T19:39:00.000-05:00

Good dog.

Mama, I have to kill you...

2010-04-18T16:15:00.005-05:00

SHOCK 1977
Directed by Mario Bava
Starring Daria Nicolodi

Mario Bava’s final film and co-written by son Lamberto (Demons), 1977’s Shock is an effective creepfest. Bava has given horror fans everything from classic gothic tales to beautifully vivid Giallo thrillers, but this time he delivers a modern family plagued by a haunted house.

Years after the suicide of her first husband and a stay in a sanitarium, fragile Dora moves back into her abandoned home with son Marco and new husband Bruno. Immediately after settling in, Marco begins to act like Satan in short pants. Is he just a little asshole, or is the seven year old possessed by his mad ghost daddy, Carlo?

The answer is, for the most part, possession, but don’t expect pea soup and naughty language. Marco doesn’t just terrorize his mother with disobedience and temper tantrums; he actually begins to make sexual advances on her: watching Dora shower, stealing her underpants, and stroking her face while she sleeps. Marco even commences to thrust on top of his mother during an innocent bout of horseplay. These scenes are executed tastefully while still making the viewer extremely uncomfortable with Marco’s behavior.

Bruno, normally away from his family because of his job as a pilot, assures Dora that Marco is simply adjusting to the new surroundings. Little does he know that Marco has it out for him as well, slicing up a photo of Bruno and using it as a makeshift voodoo doll. Things come to a tragic end when Carlo’s ghost powers drive Dora completely insane, leading to the revelation of family secrets and grisly murder.

Shock works because it focuses on Dora’s mental state instead of the usual ghost clichés: whether or not it is the house or Dora’s mind that is haunted is arguably left up to the viewer. With the exception of Marco’s weirdo antics and a few moving objects, all of the supernatural events happen only to Dora. In the end, it is Dora, not Carlo’s ghost, that destroys her family, although being haunted by a pissed off ex could make anyone go off the deep end. Even Marco’s sexualized behavior to his mother could be somewhat explained: as Bruno and Dora make love on the couch, the camera looms over them, giving the impression that someone is watching them. Marco could have just been imitating what he witnessed Bruno doing to his mother, not understanding what it was. Had Marco’s possessed behavior witnessed only by the viewer had been excised, Shock could have been a film about a mentally unhinged woman only believing she was being haunted. That would have been more interesting, but Shock is still a decent thriller and will most likely please fans of both Italian horror and disturbed kiddy flicks, and who doesn't enjoy those?

Nightmare Fuel: I won't ruin the scene for you. It is astoundingly creepy. I rewound the scene several times because it just floored me. Such a simple yet effective scare.

More films by the amazing Mario Bava:

Today's Bargain Bin Finds

2010-04-18T15:09:00.004-05:00

Slashers Collection, including crappy edited versions of:

Also purchased (but not from the bargain bin):

I'm not allowed to buy any more movies for the rest of the month, unless someone wants to pay me for it.

I now own at least 3 copies of Deep Red. Such a good movie to be constantly included on shitty $3 collections. Still, I can't argue with the price, no matter how bad the quality.

Scream Bloody Murder is about a deranged kid with a hook for a hand. You can watch it for free right here. Review to come soon.

Houston on fire. Will history blame me...or the bees?

2010-04-16T03:31:00.003-05:00

"We've been fighting a losing battle against the insects for fifteen years, but I never thought I'd see the final face-off in my lifetime. And I never dreamed, that it would turn out to be the bees. They've always been our friend." Sir Michael Caine in THE SWARM (1978)

Directed and produced by the king of disaster movies, Irwin Allen (the Poseidon Adventure, the Towering Inferno), the Swarm is a hoot. And it takes place in my home state, Texas, so extra bonus points there. I love the rogue animal genre , but I've always shied away from anything involving insects (with the exception of Them!) because I really do not like bugs. I'm terrified of them. I'm completely comfortable with man eating crocodiles, grizzly bears, and sharks, but tiny little critters like roaches, grasshoppers, and especially Junebugs freak me the fuck out. I'm a wuss. But for some reason, bees just make me laugh. They might sting you, sure, but then their stinger rips off and they die a gruesome death because of it. Stupid, stupid bees. Watching the all star cast of the Swarm suffering slow motion killer bee attacks would have been amusing enough, but the film goes an extra step further and actually has these kings and queens of cinema hallucinate giant bees after they are stung! I freaking love this movie.

Here's Henry Fonda, one of America's finest actors and patriarch to the Fonda dynasty, tripping balls after shooting himself up with special bee juice.

And living legend Olivia de Havilland, Accademy Award nominated actress and star of great women in peril movies like the Snake Pit and Lady In A Cage, watching as her schoolchildren are stung to death.

De Havilland's character spends most of her screen time attempting to choose between romantic rivals Fred MacMurray and Ben Johnson. I'd like to believe that there was a spicy threesome in the future for them, had they not died in a train wreck....CAUSED BY BEES.

Did I mention that Richard Chamberlain perishes in a nuclear power plant explosion...AN EXPLOSION CAUSED BY BEES? Or that Michael Caine plays a pompous entomologist who finds love in the arms of doctor Katharine Ross...BROUGHT TOGETHER BY BEES? Or that OBGYN Alejandro Rey probably starts a naughty doctor-patient relationship with pregnant Patty Duke mere days after her hubby is murdered....MURDERED BY BEES?

Picnics are invaded, helicoptors crash, Michael Caine and Richard Widmark shout a lot, Houston is burnt to a crisp, and a perfectly lovely flower festival is completely ruined. As a life long Texas resident, I welcome our bee overlords with open arms.

Stop the Presses!

2010-04-15T20:52:00.000-05:00

It's Exactly What You Think It Is: A love letter to Pieces

2010-04-15T17:43:00.005-05:00

Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time with my family cause of some personal stuff, and I was pleased as a punch drunk pig that my brother was willing to watch Pieces with me the other night. He was in for a very special treat. I have a warm fuzzy place in my heart for Pieces. It’s always there for me when I’m in a shitty mood. It keeps me company on lonely nights. It makes me realize that while friends and lovers come and go, I will always have Pieces to make me laugh. While Jaws may be my movie husband and Spider Baby my sexy mistress, Pieces is my best friend.

On the surface, Pieces is just your everyday sleazy psycho coed killer movie. But there’s a bevy of outrageous scenes and plot points that just don’t make any sense, which is why I love it so.

1. The Skateboard Incident

A girl is skating along, having a grand old time, and smashes into a large mirror. Did she get hurt? Did she die? We’re never told. The scene cuts to the killer’s memory of his mother (who he murdered as a young boy) smashing a mirror. So did the killer witness this tragic skateboarding accident? Is this what triggered him to start chopping up nubile young women? I have no idea.

2. “Have you heard the latest? They’ve just installed a waterbed in the training room.”
"Have you ever been laid on a waterbed?"

“The most beautiful thing in the world is smoking pot and fucking on a waterbed.”

I have to agree with that sentiment, but why on earth would anyone install a water bed in college campus? I’m enrolled in the wrong school. That sexy waterbed finally makes an appearance when a girl is knifed to death on it. One time my brother poked holes in our parent’s waterbed with a ballpoint pen. The room flooded. I’m sure you can imagine the water damage caused by a knife.

3. Kendall, the Campus Stud.

With a crazed killer carving up coeds to make a perfect puzzle woman, the police force needs all the help they can get. As one of the detective's states, "Right now we're just buying clothes without labels and trying them on for size". Instead of seeking out professionals, Lieutenant Bracken (Christopher George) places his trust in Kendall, the wormiest campus stud in existence. No need to worry, because Kendall’s on the case! He even knows how to dial an outside line! And he's so good in the sack that "anyone would think you're in bed with Chainsaw Charlie". Oh, Kendall!

4. JAZZERCISE!

5. The Infamous Straight Out Of Nowhere Kung Fu Scene
Apparently the filmmakers were making a Kung Fu movie at the same time, and decided not to waste the talent.

6. Mary Riggs, Professional Tennis Player and Undercover Cop

7. The Ending

Did you know that the love between a man and his puzzle corpse is so strong and pure that it can reanimate the dead? Poor Kendall gets it right in the nuts. There goes his social life.

Adventures In Cinematic Masochism: Dr. Tarr's Torture Dungeon

2010-04-15T05:24:00.005-05:00

DR. TARR'S TORTURE DUNGEON (1973)

Do you ever wake up in the morning and say “Gee. I’d really like to experience an acid trip but don’t want to actually pay for any LSD”? Pop in Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon (the film is better known as Mansion of Madness, but I'm stuck with the craptastic Mill Creek version). It made my brain feel funny. Then I wanted to take a scalding hot shower. Then I watched the movie over again to make sure I hadn’t actually hallucinated it. I liked it quite a bit the second time around, but sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing good movies from bad movies.

Based on Edgar Allen Poe’s “The System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether”, the film concerns a French journalist, Gaston, arriving at a sanitarium to write an article on the famous Dr. Maillard. Gaston meets with Maillard, who explains to his visitor that he has had great success in applying a method known as the “Soothing System” to the institution's patients. Except Dr. Maillard isn’t really Dr. Maillard but a very eloquent nutcase named Fragonard. The real Dr. Maillard has been imprisoned, along with the rest of the doctors and guards. Yes, the crazies have overtaken the asylum, the sane folk are now inmates, and naked people are prancing around and raping and engaging in random kookiness to goofy xylophone music. You know the drill. Oh, there’s a character named Mr. Chicken, but sadly Don Knotts is in no way involved. Shame.

“Chicken thinks he’s a chicken, and we overlook his antics.”

Gaston witnesses all sorts of insanity and degenerate behavior, yet it takes him forever to realize that the aggravatingly talkative Fragonard is an imposter. He’s not that bright, but then again, maybe he’s just distracted by all the boobs, literally and figuratively. Meanwhile, his traveling companions, including comical buddy Couvier, are kidnapped and terrorized by Fragonard’s wacky goons and spend most of the film running around the forest to the aforementioned lighthearted music (I half expected elves to pop out of the trees and do a little dance). Gaston finally gets it through his thick skull that Fragonard is actually a lunatic and is held captive, but quickly escapes using the old bed-sheets-as-a-rope trick. After rescuing Couvier and Maillard's daughter Eugenie, Gaston battles many a loon in the forest before being overtaken once again. The trio is forced to attend a Bacchanalian soiree complete with naked people on horses, a funky band, and some really stupid chanting. Dr. Maillard is dressed up like a human salad and laughs are had by all. Fragonard declares his plans for world domination and then…the chicken dance. Yes, there is a choreographed dance sequence performed by squawking chicken people. It’s absolutely terrifying. The inmates, having escaped their cells, attack the deranged hootenanny and Fragonard is shot by a woman shouting “Viva la Revolution”. Not one to go quietly, Fragonard gives us a hearty “Can this be the end of Maillard?” before finally shutting his yap and dying.

The strange thing about Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon (which was quite short on the torture, excluding that cuckoo chicken dance) is that it tries really hard to be wacky and playful, but just ends up being surreal, sleazy and weird. So if you like all things surreal, sleazy and weird (and I do), ingest some illegal substances and watch this back to back with Herzog’s Even Dwarves Started Small, then make yourself an appointment for a full frontal lobotomy. (Actually, for the love of all that is good and and warm and fuzzy, do not do that. Even Dwarves Started Small will make you want to kill yourself, or Herzog, or both. And I like Herzog.)

Nightmare Fuel:

You should probably watch this version instead:

How I'm Feeling Tonight...

2010-04-15T02:54:00.000-05:00

And they say I never smile....

Still Scary After All These Years....

2010-04-15T01:34:00.007-05:00

You know what kind of sucks about being a horror junkie? It's hard to get scared anymore, especially with Hollywood's constant onslaught of pointless remakes and terribly clichéd teenybopper tripe. Still, there are some films that no matter how many times I've seen them still manage to give me supreme willies. Sometimes it has to do with the age in which I first saw the film and the lasting trauma it inflicted on my wee little brain, sometimes it just has to do with how superbly the scare, jump, shock, gore, and balls to the wall creepiness has been executed. Let's take a gander at some of my favorites, shall we?

1. House on Haunted Hill (1959)

I must have seen the House on Haunted Hill when I was in the third grade, right in the middle of my Vincent Price/Peter Lorre phase (which has never ended). I settled in for what I was sure to be a cheesy run-of-the-mill haunted house flick. After all, at the seasoned and jaded age of 8 years old, I had already seen the Haunting, the Changeling, the Omen, and the Shining (lest you think she's a bad parent, mom made me cover my eyes during the Room 237 scene. And I had to watch the Exorcist in secret. That was where she drew the line). Imagine my surprise when this hokey little gem takes a hard left turn and a gnarled, frizzy haired hag suddenly pops up to scare the bejeezus out of both Carolyn Craig and myself.

2. Alligator (1980)

A late night UHF classic. It was bad enough that I couldn't get myself to step foot in the ocean because of Jaws, but because of Alligator I never felt comfortable in swimming pools either, not even in the shallow end. Not only does it include a scene of a little boy being pushed off a diving board and into the open mouth of a mutant gator, but it also has this great moment where a mother leaves her child unattended in the back yard for a moment. Ramon the alligator comes crashing through the fence, and the mother finds the laundry basket turned over and the kid missing. I immediately turned off the TV for a moment, fearing the worst. Years later when I saw the film again on television, I found out that baby was fine, just fine. Weirdly, this scene is not on the Alligator DVD, just the television version. I would be forever grateful if someone put the aforementioned scene up on YouTube.

3. The Shining (1980)

While the film lacks the subtle build up of Jack's descent into superfuntimecrazyland portrayed in the novel, Kubrick's version still rocks my crusty tube socks. I don't think I have to describe this scene, now do I?

4. The Dead Zone (1983)

All hail king Cronenberg for making this work without showing us the actual act. Johnny Smith outs Deputy Dodd as the Castle Rock Killer, and Dodd takes his own life by slamming his head against a pair of scissors. There's just something about the sound that Dodd's leather coat makes as he prepares himself for suicide that always unnerved me. One of the great "less is more" scenes. Ever. And the twitching corpse is an especially nice touch.

5. The Fly 1986

Damn you, Mr. Cronenberg. I can't watch anyone arm wrestle without thinking that this may be the outcome.

Yes, I know there are plenty of great gross-out moments in the Fly, but this one really fucked me up as a youngster. "Are you a body builder or something?"

6. An American Werewolf in London 1981

David Kessler has bad dreams, and I would forever associate the Muppets with murderous Nazi mutants.

7. Night of the Living Dead 1968

Another film watched alone in the middle of the night, just the way it should be. I don't think this scene will ever be beat by any other zombie film. A perfect blend of modified screams and matricide. Poor Helen Cooper. Yet another reason never to have kids.

8. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1974

And now, a reenactment of a 1994 conversation between me and my mum:

ME: Can I rent the Texas Chainsaw Massacre for my slumber party? Please???

MOM: NO. It is the bloodiest, sickest movie ever made and you will not be showing it to your friends.

ME: Okay. Last House On the Left?

MOM: Okay, Texas Chainsaw it is.

Guess what? It turned out my mother had never actually seen the movie. Yes, the woman who raised me on horror films was being completely prejudiced against the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and she is rightfully shamed for it to this day. Had she seen it, she would have known that there is barely any blood or viscera in the movie at all. And it's about a freaking chainsaw massacre! So why is it still so effective after all these years? Hooper's use of sound is terrifying, from the snarl of the chainsaw to Marilyn Burns ear piercing scream, but the best part has to be when Kirk goes to investigate the farmhouse. He walks through the front door, hears strange pig noises, trips and out pops Leatherface with a mallet. The sound of hammer against head is gloriously sickening. Nothing else in TCM traumatized me as much as that simple scene, not the meat hook, not the chainsaw, not even dinner with Grandpa. As with the Haunting, you don't need gore or special effects to make an extremely terrifying film.

"They're talking about us, Virginia."

2010-04-14T15:37:00.010-05:00

Over at Stacie Ponder's most excellent blog, Final Girl, the film club pick of the month is the marvelous SPIDER BABY. My ramblings will be brief, because the movie is so stellar that I would hate to ruin it for anyone. Trust me when I say that you will like this movie. You will love it. You will want to make sweet, sweaty love to it and have a gaggle of tiny spider babies all your own.

Forget that movie about whats-his-name, Jack Hill's Spider Baby or, the Maddest Story Ever Told is the GREATEST story ever told.

What can I possibly say about Spider Baby that hasn't been said before? The film is pure genius, and I will positively absolutely avow that it is the greatest familial horror film ever made. Maybe I love it so much because my own family is a little weird. Not in a feral, incestuous cannibalistic way like the Merrye family, but we are a bit quirky. I think the reason that Spider Baby works so well is the performances. Lon Chaney Jr. is heartwarming and heartbreaking as the Merrye children's loyal caretaker, Bruno, who lovingly shepherds the genetically screwed family despite their gleeful participation in murder, rape, ear slicing, and uncle flirting. Elizabeth, Virginia, and Ralphie (Beverly Washburn, Jill Banner, and Sid Haig, pictured above) are incredibly endearing, rather than repulsive, as the three adult Merrye children who are cursed with the crazy gene due to their inbred lineage (some of whom are living in the basement, doing god knows what). We want the children to be free to be their demented selves and rejoice when snobbish cousins Carol Ohmart and Quinn Redeker get treated to a night of Merrye style hospitality, as sick and twisted as it is. This is a film where you truly root for the killers and freaks without feeling any remorse or shame in doing so, unlike some other movies (I'm looking at you, the Devil's Rejects). Oh, those precious Merrye kids. Their just so darn cute. I want to be Virginia Merrye if and when I regress into a state of permanent childhood (trust me, it's gonna happen soon). Anyone up for a game of spider?

By the by, if I get to meet Sid Haig at the Texas Frightmare Convention on May 1st, I will totally dork out on him about the greatness of Ralphie.

Fun With Stuff:

The Spider Baby theme song, sung by Lon Chaney Jr. How sweet is this?

Mike Patton's band Fantomas covering Spider Baby:

And while it has nothing to do with the movie Spider Baby, I've never been able to disassociate the two:

Check out the official Spider Baby website at http://www.spiderbabyonline.com/

Today's Bargain Bin Finds

2010-04-14T15:00:00.000-05:00

Today's trip to Hastings was very fruitful indeed. I can't wait to watch Lana Turner get dosed with LSD. Chopping Mall was one of my favorites as a kid. And I got two Barbara Steele films for the price of one. Hooray!

How I'm Feeling Today...

2010-04-12T16:08:00.000-05:00

"It's on random..."

They Had It Coming...

2010-04-10T19:29:00.000-05:00

"The day I need a friend like you, I'll just have myself a little squat and shit one out."

God, I love Marcia Gay Harden.

Adventures in Cinematic Masochism: the sexual realities of Snowbeast

2010-04-10T18:52:00.015-05:00

SNOWBEAST (1977)
Starring: Robert Logan, Sylvia Sidney, Bo Svenson, Yvette Mimieux, Clint Walker

A rogue shark terrorizes a summer resort town during tourist season. Okay, now replace "shark" with "Sasquatch" and "summer" with "winter" and you've got Snowbeast. You've got your town leader refusing to believe there's a problem until plenty of tourists have been killed, a level-headed protagonist and his Bigfoot-expert buddy (he's an expert in that his wife is a "television journalist"!), and even the smart suggestion that they cut open a suspected predator (a poor wittle bear) to find out if it's the right perpetrator.
At least in Jaws you actually got to see the damn shark.

Snowbeast is a hilarious 1977 made-for-TV movie that is heavy on the winter sports, but not so much on the actual beast. But that's okay, because the wonderfully cheesy dialogue totally makes up for it. Tony Rill (Robert Logan, who looks a hell of a lot like Neil Diamond) is heir to Colorado's Rill Lodge and Ski Resort, currently run by his spunky grandmother, Carrie Rill (Sylvia Sidney). When a young girl goes missing on the slopes and a large beast has been spotted, Tony wants to notify the authorities and shut down the resort, but grandma won't hear of it. Why? Because it's the 50th Annual Winter Carnival! It's an orgy of fun and games! But a warning to all you, um, Hotdoggers: "You'll be judged on grace and originality, not on your audacity." Aw shucks.

Even after the missing skier's body is found, Grandma Carrie won't shut down the orgy. That is until the beast himself makes an appearance at the Winter Carnival and a stampede of terrified tourists trample the precious Winter Carnival Queen's crown. Seriously, Carrie seems more upset by the demise of a plastic tiara than by the giant Yeti gobbling up the Carnival Queen's mother.

"THE CROWN! THE CROWN!"

Carrie admits she was wrong ("But we had to have our Winter Carnival. It was our 50th.") and Tony's friend Gar, an Olympic gold medalist fallen on hard times, goes out in search of his missing wife, Ellen. See, she's a journalist for the TV who once did a story on "the Bigfoot Controversy", and now she's trapped in an old barn after investigating some of the Snowbeast's tracks. Gar finds her and they have a good ol' heart-to-heart about Gar's failure as a man (he didn't want to be an Olympic has-been, so he quit skiing, thus becoming an Olympic has-been...or something). After a night of cuddling in the barn, the Snowbeast attacks but is scared off by Tony's search party. The sheriff kills a bear and the tourists rejoice.

Our heroes do not approve.

The sheriff admits he was probably wrong about the bear, so he, Tony, Ellen, and Gar form a Bigfoot hunting posse and head out to the slopes, giving us one final not very clear glimpse of Mr. Snowbeast. Maybe the costume was a pricey by-the-hour rental?

I'm honestly surprised and saddened that oxygen tanks were in no way used to kill the Snowbeast.

The dialogue in this movie was outstanding. My favorite exchange is between Tony and the sheriff, after they discover the mutilated remains of the missing girl:

Sheriff : I understand she was a guest at your ski lodge. I was hoping you could help me idenify her.
Tony: I may have seen her somewhere. Maybe I'll recognize her when I see her face.
Sheriff: She doesn't have one.

Or between Tony and Ellen, who long ago had a relationship but now settle for some icky flirtation:

Ellen: I've been having a lot of fantasies about you for the last year.

Tony: Fantasies about me? Good or bad?

Ellen: Not bad. A friend of mine, a doctor, said that when a woman starts having fantasies about the man she didn't marry she's not getting enough realitites from the man she did.

Tony: I think your friend is talking to you about sexual realities and you're not.

What the hell is a sexual reality?

Nightmare Fuel: Grandma's use of the word "hot dogging".

A steaming, wet Bo Svenson.

The Bigfoot Controversy. Discuss.

How I'm Feeling Tonight

2010-04-09T22:51:00.000-05:00

They Had It Coming...

2010-04-09T18:55:00.001-05:00

"Gimme a call whenever you wanna cut off my head. I can always crawl around without it."

They Had It Coming...

2010-04-09T04:31:00.005-05:00

"You want me to salute that pile of walking pus? Salute my ass!"

What's more embarrassing than being eaten alive by zombies? Being shot by one.

They Had It Coming...

2010-04-09T04:17:00.004-05:00

"You came back."

What a prick.

They Had It Coming....

2010-04-09T03:38:00.008-05:00

"Finish the job. Kill the dog."

Being transformed into a werewolf and killed with a letter opener should be punishment for all animal abusers.

Heroines of Horror: Romero's Kick Ass Ladies

2010-04-08T02:56:00.009-05:00

Night of the Living Dead is not only one of the greatest movies ever made, but it also has a surprisingly good remake. Penned by Romero and directed by Tom Savini, the NOTLD remake replaces the catatonic Barbara of the original film with a pants-wearing-trigger-happy-kick-ass Barbara. And we have the same haircut! Barbara shakes off the shock of the zombie apocalypse and is instrumental in fending off the flesh eaters until escaping the farm house is the only viable option. She survives, and gets to put a bullet in that bastard Mr. Cooper's brain. Go Barbara!

You know who else kicks some major ass? Fran from Dawn of the Dead. She doesn't put up with any nonsense, not from her boss, her annoying boyfriend, and certainly not from zombies. She demands that her male companions give her a gun and treat her as an equal. And she does it all while fighting morning sickness. GO FRAN!

And then there's Sarah from Day of the Dead. Forget the roving undead: sexual harassment, misogyny, a dickhead military leader, and a boyfriend on the verge of a nervous breakdown doesn't keep Sarah from staying tough, keeping her cool and living out her days on a beautiful island. Fuck you Sir, indeed! Go Sarah!

You're Not Supposed to Eat the Fuzz...

2010-04-08T02:17:00.015-05:00

MESSIAH OF EVIL 1973

Messiah of Evil begins with something that has been completely missing from horror films for the past 30 years: the cheesy soft rock Streisandesque theme song:

Pretty sweet, right? Take note, filmmakers, I want a whole lot more of that and a whole lot less crappy remakes.

Messiah of Evil could have been called The Shadow Over Innsmouth, But Without Those Wacky Fish People, because it is pure Lovecraft, right down to it’s opening voiceover. I’ve written it down for you here, just in case you’re a first year theater student and need a monologue for class:

They say that nightmares are dreams perverted. It wasn’t a nightmare, but they don’t believe me! They nod and make little notes in my file, and they watch me now, waiting for me to scar my breasts, to eat insects maybe, or to lift my dress like some crazy old woman and urinate on the floor! But there’s so little time left! You’ve got to listen! Not far from here there’s a small town on the coast. They used to call it New Bethlehem , but they changed to name to Point Dune after the moon turned blood red. Point Dune doesn’t look any different from a thousand other neon stucco towns…What happened there…what they did to me…what they’re doing now! They're coming here. They're waiting at the edge of the city. They're peering around buildings at night, and they're waiting. They’re waiting for you! And they'll take you one by one and no one will hear you scream!!! No one will hear you SCREAM!!!!!!!!

The entire film is a flashback narrated by a young woman, Arletty, who has come to the small town of Point Dune in search of her artist father. She finds his super snazzy seaside home empty and begins to ask questions around the town, but the locals are less than helpful. Also looking for Arletty’s father is Thom, a smooth operating “collector” of legends who has a voice like a Carradine. Thom and his two buxom “traveling companions”, Laurie and Toni, are interested in Point Dune’s mythology, specifically the story of the blood moon. Arletty comes upon the trio while they question everyone’s favorite character actor, Elisha Cook Jr. Mr. Cook plays Charlie, the town wino (of course) who knows something’s not right with the sleepy Point Dune and its residents: whenever the moon turns red, people begin to act mighty strange, bleeding uncontrollably and eating raw meat. After telling Thom what he knows of the legend of Point Dune and informing Arletty that she must kill her father, Charlie is killed (off screen) and the threesome moves in with a less than happy Arletty. Discovering her father’s journals, Arletty learns that dad believed he was turning into something inhuman: he couldn’t sleep, had strange visions, and his body temperature had dropped to 85 degrees. Thom meanwhile starts to make the moves on Arletty, using the classic “My zipper is stuck” line, which pisses off companion Laurie. Laurie hitchhikes into town with a cross-eyed albino truck driver, who has just come back from “the Waiting”: the townspeople have been building fires on the beach and starring into the sky. After the friendly cross-eyed albino truck driver plays Laurie some Wagner and eats a live rat, she declines the rest of the ride and walks into town instead. Point Dune is deserted, save the local supermarket.:

After Laurie is eaten alive, the local cops inform Arletty that her father has died while building a sculpture on the beach, but Arletty refuses to believe that the dead man is actually her father. Thom’s other companion, Toni, leaves the two to be alone and heads off to the cinema, giving us Messiah of Evil’s other genuinely creepy scene:

Sensing danger, Thom goes to town to look for Toni, but finds a mob of zombie-like locals who are bleeding from every orifice. Meanwhile, Arletty has discovered that not only can she not feel pain, but she has started to bleed from her ears, as well as vomiting bugs and lizards. While Thom is running from the townspeople, Arletty’s decomposing father returns and tells the story of Point Dune 100 years before, when a “dark stranger” arrived and turned the locals into flesh hungry maniacs, vowing to return in a century’s time. After dad tries to kill her, Arletty sets him on fire, and stabs Thom in a fit of hysteria. The crazy townspeople lay siege to the house, and Thom and Arletty escape to the ocean. This being a very Lovecraftian inspired film, Arletty is left alive to tell the tale from a mental institution.

I’m going to leave it there, because while it seems like I just summed up the entire film, there is actually a lot more to Messiah of Evil, including a twist that deals with the Dark Stranger. The film uses sound well: the constant noise of crashing waves and winds coming off the coast create a sense of anxiety and unease, the deranged locals scream like wild animals, and the film’s 70’s-tastic score is awesome. This isn’t your normal zombie flick, as the residents of Point Dune are more like demonically possessed cannibals who cry blood. The twist ending is pretty much left open to the viewer’s interpretation which will either have you going “That’s kinda neat” or “That’s kinda stupid”. I’m in the “That’s kinda neat” camp.

Nightmare Fuel:
At least it's full of protein:

Bloody eye boogers:

Other Wicked Little Towns:

Happy Birthday Bette Davis!

2010-04-05T03:24:00.005-05:00

1908-1989
"Until you're known in my profession as a monster, you're not a star."

A few clips from the greatest actress of all time. Whenever I feel blue or need a laugh or even some guidance, I look up a couple of her notorious verbal zingers. I love all of her movies, but the thrillers she made in her later years were the most fun. I want to be her. Seriously.

One of the most quoted exchanges between me and my brother:

If you've never seen Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte, then I don't know what to say to you (except, go watch this movie now. It's great).

Could this movie have a better cast? I think not.

Okay, this isn't one of Davis' horror flicks, but it's such a great scene. Memorize it and say it at inappropriate times, like Valentine's Day or your honeymoon:

Adventures in Cinematic Masochism: Silent Night, Bloody Night

2010-03-31T22:45:00.004-05:00

SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT 1974
No, not the epic psycho-Santa classic of the 1980’s, but a worthy entry in the Yuletide terror cannon.

Twenty years after the mysterious death of his grandfather, sole heir Jeffery Butler sends his lawyer to prepare the family’s abandoned mansion for sale. Despite being warned by the townsfolk to stay away from Butler House, the lawyer and his lady friend spend the night anyway and are hacked to bits during some Christmas Eve nookie. Could it be the work of the recently escaped mental patient from the nearby institution?

Soon Jeffery comes to investigate while prominent members of the town are harassed with strange phone calls. Aided by the mayor’s daughter, Diane (the lovely Mary Woronov), Jeffery discovers the dark secrets that the house, the town, and his own lineage have been keeping for years.

Lots of people hate Silent Night, Bloody Night, but I dug it for two reasons: I absolutely adore Mary Woronov (Eating Raoul, Death Race 2000), and I just can’t seem to break-up with the “axe-wielding escaped lunatic out for revenge” genre, no matter how tired it is. Plus the film features the great John Carradine, Woronov’s fellow Warhol pal Candy Darling (gorgeous!), and an unsettling sepia-toned flashback sequence.

Woronov and Darling

Nightmare Fuel:

Broken wine glass in the eye

Next December, have yourself a bloody little movie marathon:

Tag, You're It!

2010-03-26T16:22:00.004-05:00

Another day, another pointless list.

"It's exactly what you think it is." Pieces

"Who will survive and what will be left of them?" Texas Chainsaw Massacre

"See it with someone you hate." The Werewolf Vs. Vampire Woman

"The blood runs in rivers...and the drill keeps tearing through flesh and bone!" the Driller Killer

"They planted the living and harvested the dead!" Invasion of the Blood Farmers

"WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!" Zombie

"Can a full grown woman truly love a midget?" Freaks

"The night HE came home." Halloween

"If this movie doesn't make your skin crawl it's on too tight." Black Christmas

"I warned you not to go out tonight." Maniac

"John will never eat Shish Kebab again." Happy Birthday to Me (the VHS cover of this terrified me as a little kid)

"Six of the most bizarre murders you will ever see!" Happy Birthday to Me

"The Undead Demons of Hell Terrorize the World in an Orgy of Stark Horror!" Black Sunday

"A story so unusual it will burn itself into your mind." Carnival of Souls

"The worms are waiting." The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave

"Warm blood isn't all they suck!" Vampire Hookers

"In gorgeous and shocking ASTRAVISION and SEXICOLOR!" Orgy of the Dead

"Only the monster she made could satisfy her strange desires!" Lady Frankenstein

"Terror stalks the nudists!" The Beast that Killed Women

Favorite Horror Titles, Part Two

2010-03-26T16:16:00.006-05:00

Die! Die! My Darling!
Nude for Satan
I Eat Your Skin
The Blood Splattered Bride
I Drink Your Blood
Barn of the Naked Dead
The Curious Dr. Humpp
Mantis in Lace
The Beautiful, the Bloody and the Bare
Oasis of the Zombies
Shriek of the Mutilated
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama
Astro Zombies
Werewolves on Wheels
Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things
Color Me Blood Red
Doctor Butcher M.D.
Blood and Black Lace
Night of the Blood Beast
Spider Baby, Or The Maddest Story Ever Told
I Bury the Living
Four Flies on Grey Velvet

The worst title? Female Vampires. How imaginative.

Adventures in Cinematic Masochism: Sisters of Death

2010-03-26T14:59:00.016-05:00

Day Two: Sisters of Death 1972 (released 1977)

Ah, the sorority initiation: the promise of lifelong sisterhood punctuated with gauzy ensembles, mood lighting, and the inevitable accidental death.

Seven years after shooting and killing fellow pledge Elizabeth Clybourn, five "sisters" are invited to a sorority reunion by an unknown host. Meeting up in the town of Paso Robles, the girls are delivered to a deserted mansion by hired drivers, Mark and Joe. A deserted mansion surrounded by a high voltage electric fence. But not to worry, because there's booze and swimsuits for all! The boys (who look like the poor man's Starsky and Hutch) decide to stick around in hopes of quality naked time with the girls, and soon the reunion's mystery host is revealed. Seems Elizabeth's daddy is still upset about that whole accidental shooting ordeal and is positive that one of the sisters planted a live round in the gun that put an end to Liz's career as a flautist.

"Her beautiful head was broken into A HUNDRED FRAGMENTS!!!"

Mr. Clybourn retires so he can skulk about the house, spy on the girls and play the flute, while the dimwitted group searches for an exit. The girls disregard that whole safety-in-numbers nonsense and are promptly dispatched by an unseen assailant.
I'm going to break my cardinal suspension of disbelief rule here and make a public service announcement to anyone who might ever find themselves in a dangerous situation:
DO NOT TAKE A SHOWER WHEN YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT THERE IS A PSYCHOPATH IN YOUR MIDST. YOU WILL DIE, AND YOU WILL DIE NAKED, WHICH HAS TO BE EMBARRASSING. Thank you.

"Cleanliness is next to godliness, right? So I figure, if I'm next to Him, Clybourn won't get next to me. Smart chick."

Anyway, after four of the girls are killed off and Joe is chased by a dog into the electric fence, remaining sister Judy and good guy Mark have themselves a showdown with Clybourn and a Gatling gun. There's not one but two twists in the end, the last of which you can see coming from miles away. Predating classics like Black Christmas and Halloween , Sisters of Death offers little suspense, no gore, and no camp (excluding the outfits). And sorry, ladies and gents, despite the casting of Playboy Playmate Claudia Jennings as Judy, there's no nudity (but if tarantula-on-girl action is your thing...). Not the best, but watch it if you dig 70's fashion and girls who give good terror face.

Nightmare Fuel:
Francie's Hat

Spider Guts

Still feel like joining a sorority? Watch:

Great Songs From Horror Films

2010-03-25T02:05:00.008-05:00

A few non-instrumental songs I happen to fancy. If I made an instrumental list, it would primarily be comprised of Fabio Frizzi and Goblin (I could listen to Profondo Rosso all damn day).

Happy Birthday to Me 1981
Performed by Syreeta. If you've never seen the film, skip to the 40 second mark so the ending isn't ruined for you.

Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte 1964
Performed by Al Martino.

Too Bad You're Crazy from April Fool's Day 1986
Performed by Jerry Whitman.

Putting Out Fire (Theme From Cat People) 1982
Peformed by David Bowie.

The Ballad of Harry Warden from My Bloody Valentine 1981
Performed by John McDermott.

Prisoner: Love theme from The Eyes of Laura Mars 1978.
Performed by Barbra Streisand. I love this song and I am not ashamed.

Lullaby from Rosemary’s Baby 1968
Performed by Mia Farrow and Krzysztof Komeda.

Spider Baby 1968
Performed by Lon Chaney Jr.

Favorite Horror Film Titles, Part One

2010-03-23T15:52:00.006-05:00

Night of the Bloody Apes
Blood Waters of Dr. Z
the Sinful Dwarf
Dr. Giggles
Blood Orgy of the She Devils
Don't Torture a Duckling
Hollywood Strangler meets the Skid Row Slasher
Invasion of the Blood Farmers
Satan's School for Girls
Strip Nude for Your Killer
Three on a Meathook
The Gore-Gore Girls
I Dismember Mama
Graveyard Tramps
The Rats are Coming! The Werewolves are Here!
Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory
Chopping Mall
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies

And of course, the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Few things make me proud to be from Texas. This is one of them.

Adventures in Cinematic Masochism: House of the Dead

2010-03-23T14:26:00.016-05:00

HOUSE OF THE DEAD (1978)

Not nearly as painful as the Uwe Boll video game adaptation of the same name, thank God. Typical anthology film in which a mortician describes how each of the "aquisitions" in his care came to be. The movie contains four segments plus the "Room for one more, honey" denouement that we've all come to expect. The movie starts off strong in the first segment. A child hating shrew is terrorized by children...with fangs...wearing clown masks. While the fangs are laughable, the masks are just creepy enough to make this segment the best of the four.

The next story features an incredibly dorky serial killer who videotapes his victims. I was intrigued until the tale abruptly ended and the mortician informs us that the killer's comeuppance was a trial and execution. Nope, no victims rising from the grave to dole out vengeance, no creative EC Comics twist at the end. Just a run-of-the-mill execution that the viewer never gets to witness. What a let down.

The final two segments were lengthier than the first two and were not entertaining in the least: two "genius" detectives match wits, and an uptight jerkwad has a really shitty night. Our friendly mortician assures us that they all had it coming, but with the exception of the shutterbug serial killer, the characters were just assholes and really didn't deserve to die for it. I'm a sucker for a good horror anthology film and seeing a snoozer like this one actually put me in a bad mood. Why? Because I live for creative comeuppance. Hell, I live for the word comeuppance. So, if you're like me and grew up on the old EC Comics tales of vengeance and grisly demises, watch 1972's Tales from the Crypt instead.

Probable Nightmare Fuel:
This kid.

Need to get that bad taste out of your mouth? Watch: